12/17/08 - Peace on Earth

Sorry for the lack of updates recently; I've been incredibly busy with finals and work as of late.

Fortunately, it's my Winter Break now, and I've got plenty of time to kick around my apartment...in peace!

Everyone is gone, and the best news is that BEN IS GONE FOR GOOD!

Ben decided to study abroad for a semester in France, which means I'm finally free of him forever. Thank. Fucking. God.

Let's all hope my new apartment mate isn't another douchebag!

For now, I'm quite at peace. Enjoy.

12/1/08 - Purell Liquid Hand Soap Stock is Going Up!

This entry really should've been written last night, but I was beyond exhausted and decided to save it in case nothing noteworthy occurred today. As you can see, nothing particularly noteworthy happened.

Last night I decided to cook a Kraft Easy Mac Cup to ease growing hunger pangs. If you're one of the few poor souls who has never enjoyed one of these delectable and convenient treats, a Kraft Easy Mac Cup is macaroni and cheese that comes in a small, microwave-safe bowl. It takes a grand total of 3 1/2 minutes to cook.

After starting the microwave, I noticed Guy wandering between his room and the bathroom he shares with Ben. Each time he entered the bathroom, I heard him turn on the sink. He was washing his hands.

In the incredibly short timespan it took to cook my snack, Guy had washed his hands a total of 3 times.

I decided to eat my food in the kitchen and keep track of further behavior. During the next few minutes, Guy had washed his hands 3 more times.

Now, I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure that's a total of 6 times within about a 10 minute stretch of time. That kid either has the rawest hands in the world, or the softest (depending on what soap he's using).

I think I'm beginning to understand why Guy doesn't believe in mental disorders; it's pretty obvious he's the victim of several, including OCD.

Oh well. Marc Summers of "Double Dare" supposedly was a germaphobe too. And he's got a show on the Food Network now!

Go Guy! You're in such good company!

Enjoy.

12/1/08 - BROkeback Catapult

Once again, I need to apologize for my writing "hiatus" this past week. Being the Thanksgiving holiday, my college decided to give me quite a decent stretch of break, so I took the time to stay away from my apartment mates, which means I had to stay away from my apartment, which in turn contains my laptop.

Well, I'm back, and it only took two seconds for my brain to explode in sheer confusion/annoyance at the sight that met me upon entering the living/main room.

The scene I'm (unfortunately) used to being greeted by at this point in the semester is Bro-Love Kid's possessions strewn about the living/main room (which I've now dubbed "The Campgrounds" since Ben and Bro-Love's "no girls allowed" sleepovers are frequently held here).

Here's a recent picture of what The Campgrounds normally looks like:

CLICK TO ENLARGE!



And here's a picture of the wooden monstrosity I walked in on tonight:



I have no clue what it is. I remember leaving my apartment (accompanied by my girlfriend Morgan) one night last week to find Ben and a large group of his cronies all huddled around what looked like a filing cabinet and some chopped-up two-by-fours in the middle of the living/main room. Several of them were passing around a monkey wrench and taking turns bashing the cabinet, while the rest of the congregation cheered and hooted like the dumbasses they are. Obviously, they stopped what they were doing after realizing Morgan and I were watching their celebration of "manliness." We made our way across the room toward the exit, remaining silent, until one of Ben's lesser pets decided to yell "Byyyyye Brian!" to my backside. I retaliated by voicing the phrase "fucking moron" and Morgan and I made our way to the parking lot with the hopes of escaping the giant lake of stupid Ben and his ass-slapping, wrestle-happy friends insisted on swimming in.

Now that I've returned to my apartment, I can only wonder: What the hell is this thing? To be honest, I wouldn't be even half-surprised if I heard Ben bragging to his buddies about his new "beer-can-apult." Of course, in order for Ben to really accentuate his "awesomeness," right after he uttered something as moronic as "beer-can-apult," a full can of Labatt Blue Light would have to come rocketing through my wall, only to explode in a shower of cheap beer as it struck (and shattered) my new TV set.

Here's to that NOT coming true...and setting fire to Ben's room, using his new contraption as kindling, if it does.

Enjoy.

UPDATE: I just found out from my neighbor Nate that the gigantic, wooden device is a primitive, spring-powered can-crushing machine. That's right: the SOLE PURPOSE of the huge scrapheap/piece of shit sitting on the living/main room coffee table is to CRUSH EMPTY BEER CANS! MY PREDICTION WAS SO CLOSE!

Regardless, based on the size of the machine, the fact that one can simply use their foot to crush empty cans, and the sheer stupidity of crushing anything that can get you a 5-cent recycling deposit (per can) in New York State, the device's practical utility seems incredibly limited.

My guess is that Ben's Bro-Love Club simply wanted to put their engineering majors to use in their senior year of college, since after graduation most of them will most likely be working as garage mechanics back in their hometowns. For society's sake, I hope they're all unemployed and choking on stale bread in soup kitchens by then.

11/24/08 - MAXIMUM VOLUME!!!

I know, I know. It's been effing forever since I wrote in this. It's not my fault that this place drives me crazy-go-nuts and I have to escape for entire weekends to my girlfriend's house to quell my anger. With that said, I suppose it's time to start bitching.

I find it stranger and stranger that Ben's friend/not-so-secret lover, Bro-Love Kid, has been camping out here on a regular basis. I woke up on Friday to find him sleeping on the couch. Naturally, I tried to make as much noise as possible so the dumb bastard would be absolutely miserable. I figure if I do this every morning I find him sleeping in the living/main room, he'll eventually stop staying here for Ben's slumber parties.

Anyway, when I came back from class later that day, Ben and Bro-Love were sitting in their normal spots in the living/main room. To help accentuate the story's details, I will insert a diagram, created with my amazing MS Paint 2003 skills:

CLICK TO ENLARGE!!



For whatever reason, Ben and Bro-Love are talking at FULL VOLUME to each other, despite the literal 2-foot gap between the two. If shouting was a sport, Ben could win it by talking in his normal voice. Part of me thinks that he believes he's important enough to let EVERYONE in a 24 mile radius know of his exploits, plans for the night, and opinions concerning bowel movements.

Annoyed, I went to my room, shut the door, and was forced to put on unbelievably loud metalcore to drown out the constant stream of stupid coming through my wall. I really wish my college had thought of sound-proofing each individual's room. Or allowed the use of tranquilizer guns...Ben would be in a coma 24/7.

I don't feel that I should have to blast music or put in headphones in my OWN room to avoid the possible brain damage associated with listening to Ben and Bro-Love's outrageously idiotic conversations. At least my door has a lock (ah yes, the silver lining!).

Anyway, I'm leaving you with a short entry today. Enjoy.

11/19/08 - "Poop" is a Funny Word

Update, update, update!

Ben and his friends have stopped their touchy-feely time (as far as I can tell from behind a closed door. Who knows? They could be gently stroking each others' legs) and have switched their midnight activity to "intellectual" conversation. The current topic up for discussion is poop.

Apparently, Ben wants to go to someone's dorm and poop in the urinal. Of course his friends are laughing their asses off at this idea, and it seems to have taken enough root in all of their feeble imaginations that they may actually act on it tonight.

One of Ben's main bros/lovers chimed in with the suggestion that they should all go to the dorms and walk into random bathrooms to find boys who are showering. The plan is to open the curtains on them. He didn't explain what happens after that part, but I think all three of them need signs that read "I LIKE LOOKING AT OTHER DUDES SHOWERING! I'M GAY, BUT AM STILL TOO INSECURE TO ADMIT IT, DESPITE GLARING EVIDENCE LIKE THIS! INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO KEEP INSULTING HOMOSEXUALS WHO HAVE COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!" in bright, neon letters.

Ben's newest suggestion (I'm trying to type this in real time) is to go to the college library to steal books that people need to use to study for finals, so that those people fail their finals. After that, Ben plans on selling the books back to the campus bookstore.

I don't think I can describe Ben in any terms clearer than this: Fucking. Douchetard.

Regardless of what occurs tonight - pooping in urinals, checking out naked freshmen dudes in the dorm showers, stealing library books, or staying here and being obnoxious and loud (Wow! Doing both things at the same time!) - it's going to annoy SOMEONE.

I'm hoping it's not me, or there may be blood. Or I'll at least piss on Ben's truck, since in tonight's weather, it will freeze.

Stupid bastards.

I need to get back to my homework. Enjoy.

11/19/08 - Wrestlemania '08

Ben has invited two of his "bros" over to "study." Apparently "studying" consists of wrestling each other into pieces of the kitchen and living/main room furniture, while giggling as the walls and floor shake with not-quite-ready-to-come-out-of-the-closet glee.

Seriously, if you can imagine 22+ year old males giggling like preteen girls being tickled, while one of them poorly imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger's most famous lines from the movie Predator (accompanied by the occasional sound of a hand slapping another bro's ass, and the increasingly-annoying shout of "Woo!"), then you have a pretty accurate idea of what's taking place in my apartment currently.

I really hope they're using condoms.

Homework time for me. Enjoy.

11/18/08 - Nerd Drama 2.0

Originally I started writing this entry only due to the fact that Guy was grunting/yelling repeatedly, while his girlfriend cackled in response. The yelling was annoying and totally incoherent (think of the sound Steve Urkel from Family Matters might make if he was recorded trying to take a dump while constipated). Eventually, the situation evolved into something else...

MORE NERD DRAMA!! Cue the cheesy TV game show theme!

Moments ago, I heard Guy suddenly stop grunt-yelling like a moron in favor of yelling at his girlfriend (one of his all-time favourite activites). Of course she responded meekly instead of standing up to Nerdzilla (mistake #1), and soon Guy went stomping out of the apartment in a rage (I'm surprised the skinny bastard didn't break an ankle. I really wish he had).

His girlfriend waited in silence a few moments, then blurted out "Wait!" and went scampering in pursuit of her dickbag of a boyfriend (mistake #2).

If I had been her, left alone in my overbearing, verbally-abusive boyfriend's apartment room, I would've done something amazing.

Definition of "amazing" (in this particular case): Scratching the underside of every one of Guy's favourite DVDs, erasing his computer's hard drive, throwing away one sock from every pair he owns, and then pooping in his laundry basket and/or pillow case.

Granted, Guy's girlfriend is not in the least bit amazing. In fact, she even whimpered before yelling "Wait!" as if she were a lost puppy. A RETARDED lost puppy, who doesn't realize it's time to run away from the master feeding it bowls of staples.

Worst. Couple. Ever.

If there's an Anti-Cupid out there, it's time for him to strike immediately.

Enjoy.

11/17/08 - The Calm Before the Storm?

It may seem like it's been a while since I posted last, and that's because it has been. To be honest, there really hasn't been much to report on.

That's right: I somehow was blessed with an entire weekend of peace here at the apartment. I can't tell you how good it's been.

Granted, there was the occasional loud noise or annoying conversation out in the living/main room, but nothing over-the-top. And I'm really quite fine with that.

What I'm really concerned about is (as I've mentioned before) the incredible dynamic of my apartment to shift on a whim; meaning, it is entirely all-too-possible that this calm is simply foreshadowing an approaching storm.

I'm praying that the peace keeps up. You know I'll be posting if it doesn't. Enjoy.

EDIT (at 11/17/08 - 2:58PM): As I was finishing this entry, Ben (who is currently sitting out in the living/main room "studying") decided it was an appropriate time to blast Hinder or Nickelback or one of those "totally sweet" alternative/hard rock bands for his quasi-boyfriend Bro-Love Kid. Ben then began "singing" (I use the term loosely, because Ben can sing about as well as someone suffering from lockjaw) along with the "music" (I use the term loosely, because I consider Hinder and Nickelback to be "musically-talented" in the same way that I consider genital warts to be "a stroke of good luck" - it is never the case), in a voice I'm guessing was meant to seduce his secret lover.

My God...here comes the storm.

11/12/08 - Nerd Drama

So, earlier today I was in the bathroom, doing something that involved a seat and some special paper, when I heard a bunch of shouting. I immediately identified the voice of Guy's girlfriend, which was only surpassed in nasal whininess by Guy's own voice chiming in. Although I was unable to determine what was being said, I did decipher that what was taking place in the living/main room was, without a doubt, an argument.

To get everyone up to speed, I'll fill you all in on some basic facts about my apartment. Angry yelling between these two is not an uncommon event in my apartment. In fact, it happens about once a week. Guy, by nature, is an over-opinionated piece of shit, who, due to whatever traumatic childhood experience(s) he had (or maybe he was just born a nerdy, power-hungry dick), feels it's absolutely necessary to take his aggression out verbally on his girlfriend at regular intervals. Why she doesn't leave him is an entirely unknown matter to myself, as well as others who have witnessed this weekly ritual.

Anyway, the verbal battle continued, and being used to such occurrences, I did my best to ignore what was going on outside the bathroom. Suddenly, a door was slammed (I'm assuming Guy slammed his room's door in his girlfriend's face) and I heard the poor girl stomp through the living/main room toward the apartment entrance. She let out an incredibly loud sigh, and then hastily left the apartment.

I'm personally praying they broke up. No one should EVER speak to their significant other like that person is a piece of garbage, and no one should ever allow themselves to be treated so. I really don't understand why Guy's girlfriend hasn't taken a stand against him yet. Guy's a fucking twig, who has probably never taken a punch in his entire pampered life; his girlfriend could DEFINITELY take him if things came to blows (I really hope this happens. I'll take pictures and post them if it does).

But on a serious note, I hope they're done for good. Then perhaps the apartment will retain peace for longer stretches of time, and that girl can find someone who will treat her with respect.

Guy is truly living justification for why nerds have their lunch money stolen, and then have the crap kicked out of them in middle school.

Anyway, I have much more important matters to attend to. I'll possibly be posting more tonight. Enjoy.

11/11/08 - Who Wears Short Shorts?

Here's today's situation: I'm returning from the dining hall, and crossing my apartment complex's parking lot with a veggie burger submarine sandwich in my hand (I'm not vegetarian, I just like the flavour of the ones my college serves) when I see Guy and his girlfriend standing on opposite sides of his SUV. It looks like they're cleaning it. I get closer, and realize that they're scrubbing the sides of it with paper towels, and only paper towels. Now, I'm not sure what you learned in math, but this is one of those equations I'm absolutely POSITIVE holds true:

One-ply paper towels - soap - water - cleaning sprays + wimpy, lanky nerd elbow grease = no cleaning potential.

Despite the totally inefficient and awkward cleaning method, I thought it would be rude to simply walk by without at least saying "Hello" (although God knows Guy would never have the decency to do the same to me), so I approached the pair. That is, until I saw what Guy was wearing.

It's about 30 degrees Fahrenheit outside. The previous night it had snowed. I'm not sure if Guy thought his attire was "macho" or something along those lines, but Richard Simmons generally wears longer shorts in his workout videos. And Richard Simmons is NOT macho.

I used to run cross country in high school. We wore some seriously small shorts. Guy is taller than me, and for some reason was wearing shorts shorter than anything I would dream of trying on even as an undergarment.

Long story short, I redirected my course and got into the building before I had to be exposed to more of Guy's bikini-bottom shorts.

Presently, I'm sitting in my room, eating veggie burger, and listening to some music. Simultaneously, I can HEAR Guy from where I'm sitting. At the moment he's literally SCREAMING at God knows what (I'm sure even God doesn't know). I'm guessing either his girlfriend or a seagull. Here is a list of things I've been able to make out distinctly:

-"My God! Whyyyyy!?"
-"Nooooo!!!!!!"
-"Bwahahahahaha!" <---Think "evil genius from a cartoon"-style laugh
-"Or how about THIS instead?"
-"Stop being so stupid!!"

All of this (and more) in short shorts. Hopefully his SUV explodes and I don't have to deal with him anymore. It's all I really want for Christmas.

Anyway, it's time for me to go. Perhaps I'll post more tonight. Hopefully not...I want some peace for once. Enjoy.

11/10/08 - A Safe Haven

I broke my string of apartment mate-hatred stories this weekend, and that is due to one reason: I was not at my apartment, so was spared the agony of dealing with their weekend bullshit (which I'm sure you'll read about eventually).

Instead, I spent my weekend relaxing at my girlfriend Morgan's house, away from racist drunktards and nerds congregating in my kitchen. It was generally quite peaceful.

However, I DID end up accidentally running over/jumping a dead deer with my car, and seriously messing up my exhaust. If you want details, contact me, but I'm really not ready to relive the whole experience via blog just yet. It basically boils down to me being an idiot.

Speaking of dead deer and idiots, I WILL share with you my earliest memory of Ben.

I had just finished moving into my apartment, after returning to New York from Jacksonville, Florida. I was sitting at my computer, as I am now, when suddenly I heard the living/main room door fly open, accompanied by an obnoxiously-loud "Woo!" Enter Ben. Apparently Nate (who, at the time, was incredibly creepy/creepier than now) was in the kitchen area, because the two began a conversation about what they had done over their winter break. The first thing Ben shared was this (word-for-word):

"I was driving to the bar, when suddenly a deer ran into the side of my truck! It was stunned, so I jumped out and knifed it to death! Woo!"

Thank you for your story, future race-discriminant serial killer.

It's quite obvious that Ben hasn't evolved much in the way of intelligence or tasteful conversation topics. Fortunately, he's made it known to the apartment (probably to the entire complex, based on the fact that he shouts everything) that next semester he will be studying abroad in France. God have mercy on that country.

All I really care about is that he'll be GONE. Amazing.

Unfortunately, Nate apparently has precedence in the matter of who will be replacing Ben in our apartment, and I can't really argue against him, since he's lived here the longest and I know practically no one on campus (I transferred here last semester and have traded away socializing for finally graduating college). He's incredibly eager for his friend Dan (an insanely-loud/obnoxious and obscure nerd with bad acne) to move in. According to Nate, the school is currently unwilling to allow Dan to move into my apartment complex (thank God) since he is already leasing a nearby apartment (something to do with limited housing space). I'm not complaining.

Anyway, it's time for me to attend to other matters at hand. Enjoy.

11/7/08 - Collectin' STDs Like Pokemon

Blasting rap/hip-hop music to annoy Ben has become a daily ritual. Mostly because EVERYTHING Ben does annoys me.

So, I'm in my room writing music and suddenly in bursts Ben, tailed by two incredibly-loud, incredibly-obnoxious, and incredibly-stupid girls. Not that I'm superficial, but incredibly-ugly as well (I'm talking the type of girl that guys at the bar won't look at unless they're 65 or older, and even then it might take a few pitchers of beer). Since they've come over before, I was able to identify who they were based on their voices alone, which are incredibly distinct. We're talking the sound ten sets of car keys would make if you threw them into a wood chipper. That paired with the just-plain-stupid phrases they were literally shouting to each other and Ben caused a positive ID match.

These two dumb bitches (I use this term sparingly in reality, but there is really no other word to describe girls of this kind) are the type who ooze desperation. Desperation for peer approval. Desperation for self-validation of their "importance" in the grand scheme of life. Desperation for proof that they can continue to live a type of lifestyle reminiscent of their high school "glory days" when they had sex with the entire JV football team (at once). Desperation for any attention they can get, even if it labels them a sloppy whore. The type of girl who probably has more STDs than there are names for STDs currently. Yeah, we're talking about undiscovered strains.

Ben started talking about how he works out "like three or four times a day" and for some reason these girls responded with exaggerated laughs. Cackles, really. Throats accustomed to permanently gurgling on a dick. The laughter of a pair of girls who would give up their dignity so that a guy might think they're "cool" enough to sleep with.

Fortunately, I found out that they too aren't fans of rap/hip-hop music ("What's he even listening to in there?" I responded by turning up my speakers), and the trio left the apartment in annoyance.

Victory goes to me. Enjoy.

11/7/08 - Red, WHITE, and Blue

Ben has recently made it a habit this semester to sit in the corner of the living/main room while he watches YouTube videos and listens to his iTunes at maximum volume. While I'm used to his standard playlist of karaoke rock ballads and shitty hard rock bands like Hinder, what Ben was listening to today was simply revolting.

Morgan and I were returning from running some quick errands in town. As we crossed the living/main room, the phrases "blacks should get off the fuckin' dance floor," "faggots," and "white people should be proud to be white!" were shouted from Ben's laptop speakers. I'm not sure if he was listening to a comedian or if he was watching a YouTube video. All I'm really positive about is the fact that whoever was talking was dead serious about the shit they were spewing.

Thus, I am dead serious when I say the following:

Ben is an ignorant, classless, backwater, cousin-fucking piece of white trash.

Now, I have no problem with white/Caucasian people. Morgan, my girlfriend, is white (she too was appalled). My mother and father are white (I was adopted from South Korea as an infant). A large portion of my friends are white. By all means, all of you, go celebrate your skin colour. But does it really take that much effort to remain tolerant of others? What I absolutely cannot stand is ignorance and racism. I would feel the same way towards an Asian who said this about other races or walks of life.

Whenever events like this take place, I always find myself wondering if I should ask the person "Wow. Were you born thinking like this, or did you practice until you perfected this level of stupid?"

I know this seems hypocritical of me, but I'm so intolerant of intolerant people that I wish there was a way to round them all up and send them away (preferably to Hell). Or just kill them execution-style. Either way.

Anyway, I'll post some more at some later point. Enjoy.

11/6/08 - Nerdtalk

I just witnessed a prime example of how socially-awkward/inept the two nerds (Guy and Nate) are together. This is my first ever documentation of "nerdtalk," so bear with me if I don't convey the true awkwardness of the situation.

So, I'm walking back from the bathroom after brushing my teeth, and I hear this nasally-whining from the kitchen/main room area. Guy, who rarely leaves his room due to his extreme inability to interact with anyone without pissing them off, happened to be in the kitchen and had the misfortune of running into Nate, who talks to anything that moves (and even some things that don't). Here's a run-down of what happened:

Guy: *Mumbles something indistinct*
Nate: "What?"
Guy: "I said 'sup?' to you."
Nate: "I said 'Hi.'"
Guy: "And I said 'sup?'"
*Both of them fall into bizarre silence and go about their business*

Amazing, yet annoying. Apparently, they're just as unable to properly communicate with each other as they are with non-nerds. Perhaps there are different "nerdtalk" dialects I'm not taking into account.

I'll continue to document this incredible example of "nerds in the wild" as the semester progresses. For now, I must attend to other business. Enjoy.

11/6/08 - One Nate Too Many (Actually, Two)

HUGE NEWS!!

I found out Bro-Love Kid's real name! It happens to be Nate.

However, for the simplicity of this blog (since one of my apartment mates is named Nate as well) and for consistency's sake, I'll continue to refer to him as Bro-Love Kid.

Also, Ben just yelled the phrase "fucking faggot!" or something to that effect, which I find ironic.

I'm guessing the closet he refuses to exit is feeling pretty cramped these days with Bro-Love Kid insisting on sleeping in it with him.

11/5/08 - Dream of Californication

At the moment, Ben is in the kitchen loudly bragging to Bro-Love Kid about how "awesome" he is at the martial art tae kwon do. Ben helps run the tae kwon do club here at school, and is a first-degree (lowest level) black belt. He's also a dumbass.

Last semester, after accidentally letting it slip that I've practiced karate since age 6, Ben pestered me every single day to come to the tae kwon do club practices. Hoping the constant stream of annoying would stop, I finally gave in and attended a practice. Biggest. Waste. Of. Time. Ever.

The so-called "club" was (read: is) hardly worth being called one. Based on the way forms were taught, I'm guessing Ben's "black belt" was from some 6-month-long shopping mall martial arts program; you know, those ones where they come up to you in the mall with an information pamphlet and pretty much hand you a black belt as long as you pay them? Regardless of whether you know what I'm talking about or not, the "club" was pretty pathetic.

So now I'm listening to Ben boast to his butt-buddy about how "huge" he's going to be after today's workout. He's apparently been "working out" for years, and the only huge things I'm aware of him having are his huge ego and beer gut. Granted, he's a large kid (in build), but it all really boils down to the fact that he's a giant waste of space.

Of course there's, as usual, a personal soundtrack blaring in the background as he tells his epic tales of dumb. Ben's selection tonight is the song "Californication" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on auto-repeat. Occasionally he'll jump in and "sing" a line or two he actually knows (it's obvious he doesn't know all the words...or how to sing in general). Great idea, dude.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Kill me, please. Enjoy.

11/5/08 - Will the Honeymoon Ever End?

I returned from class today around 12pm to find Ben and Bro-Love Kid "bro-ing down" in the living/main room again. It's great to spend time with friends, but Ben and this kid are getting a bit ridiculous. If I happened to be their responsible parent, I'd tell them they're moving too fast and to not be thinking about marriage at such a young age.

Anyway, all joking aside, I was checking my e-mail when suddenly I heard Ben say "Yeah, I'm pretty ticklish along my sides. How about you?" They went on to share what areas of their body were ticklish and to what degree for the next ten minutes. Conversations like these ALWAYS make me wonder.

This next topic of conversation makes me think that if "dudebro" ever becomes a brand, then Ben and Bro-Love Kid will be endorsed for life. After a rousing ten minutes of tickle-talk, amongst massive fits of giggling, the two switched their conversation over to the subject of lifting. For those of you unaware of what being a "dudebro" entails, use the following real lines of conversation as a prime example of "bro-talk":

Bro-Love Kid: "Dude, I got my flu shot yesterday, and now I can't do as many reps anymore."
Ben: "Yo, I know man! I love the gym though, so I go anyway."
Bro-Love Kid: "Yeah bro! Wanna catch a quick lift before class?"
Ben: "Yeah! Let me make a quick protein shake first."

Holy. Shit. They're perfect for each other.

To continue, I left the apartment for my last class of the day, as well as a meeting with my academic advisor. I arrived back at the apartment around 3pm, and much to my chagrin, Ben's boy-toy was sitting on the couch in the living/main room. Ben was nowhere in sight.

Just as I was beginning to get annoyed that Bro-Love Kid had once again come into my apartment without invitation while his host was away, the bathroom door opened. I had originally assumed Nate had been using it; after all, it's the bathroom that him and I share. Instead Ben walked out, smirking and holding back a giggle while looking me directly in the eyes. Returning his gaze, I opened up the conversation with the only logical phrase I could come up with under such circumstances:

"Why the fuck were you in my bathroom?"

To which Ben replied with "Mine was occupied" while stifling a giggle. Bro-Love Kid apparently got something amusing out of the situation that escaped me, because he too started giggling, like Ben had just said the funniest thing in the world, but was trying to keep it a secret.

Obviously I didn't buy his shit, but I chose to examine the situation AFTER the ambiguously-gay duo had left the apartment, so I just went into my room and put on some loud hip-hop music (remember, Ben HATES anything associated with African-American culture. So, of course I do this frequently to passively-aggressively get back at his ignorant ass).

Of course, just as my luck would have it, they decided to stick around in the living/main room for another 30ish minutes. This time conversation hovered around the proper recipe for homemade protein-supplement shakes (Ben likes using ice cream in his, "because it makes your muscles TOTALLY HUGE!" I wish I was making this shit up. I really do). Conversation was broken-up occasionally by Ben ruining yet another one of my favourite bands, through his embarrassingly-off-key renditions of Tenacious D songs. He's bad enough at guitar, but his singing is an unspeakable horror all on its own. Eventually the two left for the gym to "get huge" (where I assume they still are, unless they stopped somewhere for a quickie).

So far I haven't been able to find anything amiss in my bathroom. I keep all of my personal belongings in my room, except for my towel, which felt, looked, and smelled normal. As far as I can tell, all of Nate's things are in order as well.

However, the mere fact that I LOATHE Ben so much makes it VERY tempting to use his bathroom in return. And by "use" I mean I'll probably take a dump in his bathtub, or at least take a piss on his sink handle.

What a tool.

Anyway, I have other matters to attend to. Chances are I'll be updating again later tonight. Enjoy.

11/4/08 - Obama = Winner

Obama just won the election for the presidency of the United States of America.

Take that apartment mates.

You dumb fucks.

11/4/08 - I Hear the KKK is Still Recruiting

If there ever was living proof of ogres existing on our planet at any time, it's Ben. He's a fucking big, dumb, loud, ignorant, racist piece of shit who can't stay quiet for more than 20 seconds.

Right now, Ben and his current boyfriend-of-choice, Bro-Love Kid, are sitting in the living/main room listening to Journey's "Greatest Hits" and probably holding hands. They're also talking about today's election.

I came home from work, walked past the two of them pillow talking in the living/main room, and was almost in the door to my room when Ben yelled at me "McCain! Woo!" while pumping his fist. Get used to the truck horn fist-pump motion, buddy...you're going to grow up and be a fucking truck driver the rest of your life (no offense to any truck drivers or relatives of truck drivers reading this...I'm simply insinuating his useless college degree and lack of intelligence will get him nowhere near his dream job).

So I'm sitting here drinking a 40 oz. of Olde English malt liquor (yeah, I'm classy, I know), and suddenly I hear Ben blurt out (the walls in my apartment are paper-thin, not to mention Ben's voice is retardedly-loud) "The BLACK White House." Obviously, I tune in to see exactly what level of stupid he's going to achieve tonight. Ben's monologue continues "Yeah, they'll be sittin' out there barbecuin' and shit, eatin' watermelon" then adds his signature "I'm the biggest obnoxious fuck on the planet" laugh.

Is there any way we can just build a fucking time machine and send him back to the South during the 1860s where he fucking belongs? What an ignorant piece of garbage.

Bro-Love Kid, of course, is all for these types of jokes. I'm glad Ben's finally found the perfect boyfriend for himself. I'm hoping that they break up, get really depressed and drunk, and kill themselves. That'd be two less racists this world would have to deal with.

I'm angry again, so I'll possibly post later, when I've cooled down a bit and/or am drunker. Enjoy.

11/4/08 - Rock the Vote

I just got back to my apartment from a killer-hard psycholinguistics test, and found Ben alone in the kitchen. I asked him if he was going to vote, he told me he was, then asked who I voted for. I told him Obama, and was answered with (straight from the racist, ignorant, white trash representative of rural America) "Nooooo! I figure we're fucked either way, so I'm voting for the less black one." I didn't say anything, but just walked into my room and locked the door. How fucking ignorant can you be? I hope the voting booth collapses on him and crushes his spine.

People who vote based on issues like race are complete wastes of life, especially when they pair it with the statement "We're fucked either way." Do some fucking research and form a fucking opinion. Don't throw away your vote. I'd rather have someone tell me they're voting McCain and mean it than tell me they don't have a real stance on the issues our country has to face.

If that wasn't bad enough, the nerds started congregating in the living/main room right after, and of course are talking about politics (they're talking about this all as I'm typing it).

Apparently they don't believe either major party candidate is capable of taking on the presidency of this nation, so they've all decided to vote for Ralph Nader, so they won't be contributing to either major parties' success once a victor is decided.

Come the fuck onnnnn. "Where are these people coming from?" you may ask. My answer is "the dumbest vaginas in the world." Of course Guy and Nate are heading the conversation. If the Republicans win, I hope gun control is less strict, so I can put a bullet in the head of each one of these morons.

I'm too angry to type more. I'll possibly update more later.

Just go fucking vote.

11/3/08 - All Quiet on the Western Front

What the hell is going on? Everything is quiet tonight in the apartment. Probably TOO quiet.

Quiet means one of a few things:

1) My prayers that something will kill/maim/destroy/permanently rid me of my apartment mates have finally been answered, and I can go on living a peaceful, normal life.

2) Years of loud music and yelling have caused me to finally go deaf. This option seems unlikely, as I'm currently listening to the sound of my fingers tapping my keyboard.

3) The quiet before the storm. Something terrible is going to happen later.

Nothing outside of these three possibilities has even come close to happening. A "normal" night here is dudebro rock, idiots power-bombing each other in the living room, and nerds arguing about the historical inaccuracies of Xena: Warrior Princess (seriously).

I'm hoping the first option is the reality of my situation and especially not the third. If I post again in the next few hours, you'll know why.

I must attend to studying. More later.

11/3/08 - Brief Afternoon Update

I'm pretty busy at the moment, so I'll save a longer update for tonight. Here's a quick one to tide you all over.

I woke up this morning an hour early so I could study for a linguistics test, and found out that Ben's bro/homie (I like to call them "bromies") slept over. Again.

This kid is constantly here. If they're not wrestling with each other in the living/main room, then they're sweating over YouTube videos of "Dudes lifting heavy things" or studying for an "extremely hard" engineering exam.

For the past couple weeks, Bro-Love Kid has been sleeping over. Normally he sleeps on the couch in the living/main room, and normally he doesn't shower (which is becoming increasingly obvious from the smell wafting from his chosen sleeping area). Since he doesn't have a key to our apartment, he rings the doorbell until someone lets him in (I normally don't) or props the outside building door with a rock (which I always kick out into the bushes). I want to know this: Who the fuck is this kid, and why is he living in my apartment? Where did he come from? Did Ben suddenly become part of the Big Brothers, Big Sisters of America program and adopt a wayward college student to go to the gym with?

Evidence seems to point to yes, as this morning I saw Bro-Love Kid waking in and leaving from Ben's room, sleepy-eyed and possibly anally-sore. If this doesn't conjure up images of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, nothing does. It's becoming more and more likely to me that Ben is one of those people who is outwardly very anti-homosexual, but inwardly very into it. Based on the size of Bro-Love Kid in proportion to the size of Ben's room, it's very unlikely he slept on the floor. Apparently they LOVE sleep overs/cuddle parties, because Bro-Love Kid is still hanging around here today. Does this kid even go to class? Christ!

I don't know, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Perhaps young Bro-Love simply woke up during the wee hours of the morning in hopes of getting a frozen meat snack from the meat freezer Ben keeps in the corner of his room (I shit you not; it's there).

Regardless of the circumstances, Bro-Love Kid is just another creepy addition to an already creepy and annoying living situation. Maybe, and hopefully, Ben and him will break up and things will settle down a bit.

I've got things to attend to, so I'll update more later. Enjoy.

11/3/08 - Introduction

Hey there. My name is Brian, and I'm a college senior, living in an on-campus apartment. Unfortunately, I share said apartment with 3 other people. This is my 2nd semester with this living arrangement. While my apartment mates can be mildly tolerable at various times, overall I find myself constantly resisting the urge to throw bricks at them. Hard. Here's what the apartment looks like (I made this picture with the state-of-the-art program MS Paint 2003):

CLICK THE PICTURE TO ZOOM IN!



To briefly explain why this blog has the title it does, I'll give a quick run-down of each person:

-Myself: I'm a 22 (soon to be 23) year old psych major who loves video games, football, music, and my girlfriend, Morgan, among other things. I'm a frat guy, reformed alcoholic/drug-abuser, and have seen some pretty crazy things life has to offer. I consider myself a pretty average dude, with above-average dude tolerances/limits. But even someone with my experience and understanding can't fathom how I ended up dealing with this shit.
-Nate: My next-door-neighbor, if you will. He lived here last semester, and was about 2 million times creepier than he is this year. He's a super-nerd, who loves Batman, and still tucks his t-shirts into his belly-button-high jeans. Nate loves starting in-depth talks/debates/arguments at the drop of the hat, and always manages to do so when you're in a hurry. Topic is almost ALWAYS pointless gameshow-level knowledge (i.e. the frequency of cold weather in Northeastern cities). While pretty normal now, he used to be an incredibly creepy person. I mostly get along with him now, so I'll probably share stories about him from last year, unless he does something ultimately weird.
-Guy: Three words about this kid: Big. Fucking. Nerd. Also an opinionated little shithead, Guy constantly vies for the throne of "supreme douche" in my apartment. The craziest part is he hardly does ANYTHING! Hell, I see him probably once a week. Guy manages to emanate a permanent air of conceit, and spits out his bullshit like a machine gun. If he's not creeping around the apartment at 6am, or shouting at his girlfriend (yes, he somehow has one), then he's in the living/main room telling people they're wrong about everything from the rules of a board game to the non-existence of mental disorders (I shit you not, he thinks they don't exist!). Delights in telling people they're incorrect, and does so in a voice that sounds much like a duck call that's been marinated in annoying.
-Ben: The king of dudebro douchebags, Ben constantly acts like he just got back from "the sickest college party ever!" From rural America, Ben loves country, classic rock, and playing both on his electric guitar (badly). He's also recently gotten into insanely-cheesy dance technopop (ex: the song "Heaven" by DJ Sammy) and glaring examples of "SWEET" dudebro rock, like Shinedown and Staind. Ben loves to party and is constantly yelling movie quotes (that were popular years ago) and is constantly yelling in general. When he's not lifting with his buddies while yelling "Woo! Let's get fucking ripped!" then he's trying to feel up drunk girls at beer pong tables across campus as they try their hardest not to puke on their fake designer shoes (stories he tells his "bros" loudly and proudly in the living/main room days later). Ben should be the posterboy for the "I'm so anti-gay, because I'm hiding the fact that I'm probably really gay" club, constantly spouting off anti-homosexual statements, then turning around to wrestle with one of his friends in the middle of the living/main room while giggling. Ben is my least favourite person at the moment, including any hated major historical figure. I could go on, but I don't want to ruin what will surely be future entries (since he does the SAME SHIT almost every day).

Anyway, I'll be using this blog to chronicle (I'll try to update every day) just how idiotic/strange these people can be. Partially, I'm doing this as a way to vent, and to justify my hatred for my apartment mates. For those of you doubtful of my integrity, I HAVE tried dealing with these problems directly to absolutely no avail. If you find this unbelievable or disagreeable for some reason, you may stop reading now. If you're still interested, feel free to get ready for anger and possible entertainment.

~Brian

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